Studies Show...

Over the years, I have made a few observations:

1. Having intercourse with your significant other somehow miraculously blinds you to the fact that they constantly leave DVDs laying around without putting them in their proper cases, turn the light off after they leave a room (while you’re still in it), have explosive sneezes that shake the walls and send you leaping several feet up in the air from being so rudely startled, and other annoying foibles. (Studies have shown that there is a chemical reaction between a male’s sperm and a female’s uh-hum that actually causes this loving blindness in women.)

2. Eating a spinach salad always puts me in a better mood. I know it’s loaded with B vitamins, but I figured that would be a cumulative thing, not an immediate reaction. (Studies now show that, indeed, something in spinach gives one an immediate mood elevation, sort of like turkey relaxing you…and sex.)

3. Chewing gum helps me concentrate, makes me more alert and less nervous, and puts me in a good mood. (Studies have shown that the process of chewing gum triggers some kind of chemical reaction in the brain that indeed induces all of the above…and sex.)

4. The more often and the longer I exercise, the better I feel. I know exercise produces endorphins, but I feel so much better after a vigorous several mile skate than a 30 minute walk. (Studies have now shown that the longer you exercise the more endorphins are produced and the longer they stay in your system, basically confirming the whole runner’s high theory…Sex also produces endorphins.)

5. Tea always seems to give me a better buzz than coffee. I just thought it was because there was less caffeine in it. (Studies show that tea does contain a chemical in it that makes the caffeine buzz more mellow and produces a feeling of well-being. So, it’s not the sushi making you zen.)

I think grant writers should call me first before writing a check to any up and coming research studies. They could call it the T. factor. "What? You want to conduct a study to to see if licking hamsters makes mothers feel more contented? Well, what's the T. factor?"