Mangled Monikers

Okay, I just have to vent here about people giving their children weirdass spellings for ordinary names. This is one of my greatest pet peeves, especially given my occupation. I hate, absolutely hate having to verify spellings on names like Alexandra, Kira, Karen, Steve, Robert, Bill, George, etc., but I HAVE to because you have these idiot parents that don't have the balls to actually name their child something unique, so instead, they give them a boring, common name and give it a "unique" spelling, so that the poor kid is forever having to go through life spelling David. "That's David with a D-e-a-v-y-y-d-d." Unfortunately, I am not exaggerating here. I came across a woman who was very "creative" in naming her kids; that is, with the spellings, not the names--Elexzendryia, Korbin, Caydence, and Hayleigh. I think this woman should get a special place in Hell just for the Elexzendryia name. Even if the child wants to shorten the name and go by the nickname, she will be constantly spelling it--"No, not Alex. Elex." Yeah, but sounds the same. Jeez.

Oh, and then there are some spellings that are so odd that you know when someone sees it spelled they're going to totally mutilate the pronunciation because they don't recognize that Alyszandra is just Alexandra.

You know, I think it's been worse just this last generation, too. Perhaps, I'm completely misreading (no pun intended) the situation. Maybe it's just a product of our very deteriorating public school system: These parents just don't know how to spell or they were taught that spelling is subjective. Or maybe pop culture is to blame for adding a "y" in place of every "i" and a "z" in place of every "s" just to add that extra pizzazz!!! Or is it pysass. Or pissass. I mean Byll is just ever so much more hip than plain old Bill! Never mind the fact that unless you see it written, the kid is still Bill.

This whole epidemic of "original" spelling of children's names is the epitome of narcissism, and I think there should be a penalty for this child abuse (because it is abuse. Would you want to constantly have to spell the name Donna for people? Never mind the fact that you know their name is always going to be misspelled on just about every written material they receive for which they were not personally there to verify the spelling). I haven't quite come up with an appropriate punishment yet, other than burning in Hell for the next 1000 years, which might be a tad harsh (assuming there is a Hell). The best alternative I can come up with right now is that the parents should be "pounded" (as my son puts it, courtesy Charlie Brown) by the victim of this selfishness each and every time the child has to spell their uniquely common name.

So here is my final comment to these imaginative and original parents on the subject of distinctively ordinary christenings: The only thing that's going to be exceptional about your child's name to other people is that it's going to be exceptionally annoying because they are never going to know how to spell what is otherwise a commonplace name. Inuf sayd.